Knowing how to reject someone nicely is no small thing. It requires dedication, practice, and, most of all, a willingness to be uncomfortable—at least for a little bit. After all, “rejection is one of the most difficult and dreaded parts of dating,” says professional matchmaker and intervention coach Amber Lee. “No one likes to be on the receiving end of it, and it can be even harder to be the one delivering it.”
But unpleasant as it is, delivering a graceful turn-down is a major sign of maturity. “The number one default in most of us is to avoid difficult conversations because it keeps us more comfortable,” says conflict resolution specialist and leadership consultant Lauren J. Petrous. “Sure, you are a good person and you don’t want to hurt someone, but the more you work on communicating clearly, the more you honor yourself by living in alignment with your values and needs, and the more you honor someone else by giving them the dignity and respect of your honesty.”
Why being clear matters
The first step to rejecting someone the right way? Understanding that the real goal is to be kind, not nice. “There’s a difference,” says Petrous. “Niceness seeks approval and comfort; kindness seeks the other person’s good.”
Think of the times you’ve been subjected to a slow fade-out. You probably wasted an excruciating amount of time checking your phone and agonizing over what went wrong; you definitely felt disrespected; and it took an embarrassing number of weeks or months to move on.
Clear communication saves the other person from going through that kind of drama. “It allows them to understand where they stand and begin to move forward,” says licensed therapist Alyssa Kushner. “Being vague or indirect often leaves room for confusion or false hope, which can end up being more painful in the long run. Being very clear and direct is an act of kindness and respect.”
When is the right time to reject someone?
If clarity is kindness, then so too is promptness. Stringing someone along and wasting their time is selfish and rude. “As soon as you know you’re not interested, it’s best to communicate it,” says Kushner. “Waiting too long can make it harder to do and also create more feelings which will ultimately hurt the other person more.”
If you’re wrestling with whether or not you should part ways with someone, reflect on the dynamic. Is it healthy? Sustainable? “Reject someone when your values no longer align, when you’re spending more time trying to manage the relationship than being fully present in it, and when your intuition and discernment feel restless. Those are signals your body gives you,” says Petrous.
How to decide on your rejection method
Standard break-up etiquette is that an in-person rejection is always best, but that isn’t always practical or necessary. Instead, a good rule of thumb is that “the method for delivering rejection should match the depth of the relationship,” advises Petrous.
