Emotional

Refinery29 is proud to partner with SharkNinja, purveyor of high-quality products and appliances designed to make your life easier — like the Ninja BlendBOSS™, a powerful tumbler blender for when you’re on the go. One fan of the Ninja BlendBOSS™ is Samantha Feher, a 28-year-old New York City-based podcaster, entrepreneur, and content creator. Here, in this personal essay, as told to Andrea Cheng, she opens up and gets vulnerable about her wellness journey, her new approach to health and fitness, and how the Ninja BlendBOSS™ seamlessly fits into her everyday routine.  

Two years ago, I was in a pretty bad place. I cried, like, every day. Not that you’d know it — I appeared on millions of Americans’ TV screens every Monday night with a smile plastered on my face, reminding everyone that summer should be fun. I was thrust into the national spotlight after being cast in a reality show. There, I met (and started dating) a man who was just…not very nice to me. But sometimes really nice. And then really not nice again. I think the kids call it a “toxic relationship.” So I was navigating that, which left me in a spiral of insecurity and depression and anxiety, and simultaneously dealing with snarky commentary from the millions of people watching it play out.

I felt like I was under a magnifying glass, with everyone on earth seeing the worst parts of my life up close. All I could think about was how I was perceived, so I started living my life according to what I thought these people thought of me. In short, I was living two lives: one of red carpets and toothy grins, which mostly felt disingenuous — and one that was more honest, but totally miserable. It was only when my relationship ended that I realized how much of a toll it had taken on me, both physically and mentally. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, I realized — there was something wrong with…well, that. 

So I decided to embark on a healing journey (insert sparkle emojis here). In November 2023, I overhauled my life, determined to “do the work.” Signs of trauma had already shown up in my body: I was inflamed, I was bloated, and my skin was breaking out. I researched anti-inflammatory nutrition and changed my workout routine accordingly. I took care of my inner self: I went to therapy, I journaled, I unpacked some hard stuff, I took breaks from social media, I spent quality time with friends and family. 

Throughout this two-year journey, I learned to prioritize my mental and physical health. But the biggest takeaway was learning about health in a whole new light — one that’s not entirely accessible nor intuitive. There’s a dearth of health information written by women, for women, and about women. For example: the importance of lifting weights. I’m on a body recomposition journey (sounds intimidating, I know, but hear me out) that’s basically an effort to eat more protein, carbohydrates, and fats. All it really means is that I’m trying to gain muscle, because skeletal muscle mass is directly correlated to how long we live. Simply put: I want to be strong. I want to build muscle so that I can live longer, so that I can pick things up, so that I don’t get injured when I work out. So that even if my heart gets broken, my mind and body remain in one piece.

And to be completely honest, I can’t do it without my Ninja BlendBOSS™. I’ve always been a smoothie girly, but my protein shakes have become an integral part of my daily routine, especially once I discovered that I needed to drastically up my protein intake. Now I can hardly make it out the door without my stomach growling if I don’t start my morning by blending up a protein shake (mine tastes like dessert, I swear), and I can’t recover afterwards without my 100 ounces of water, powdered supplements, or my homemade electrolyte concoction.

The Ninja BlendBOSS™ is kind of like an everything-in-one product — it’s a blender, a tumbler, a bottle, conveniently housed in an easy-to-use (and super chic) vessel. It’s for the busy mom on the go, for the hydration queen whose emotional support object is her water bottle (me), for the fitness It girl who doesn’t like stray from her routine (also me). 

If you’ve never fueled with a goal in mind, it’s hard to even understand what kind of a lifesaver this is. I always do a big existential sigh when women say they avoid lifting weights because they’re “afraid of getting bulky.” If only they knew how much food they’d have to eat to achieve such a thing. Since I’m trying to hit 125g of protein, 225g of carbs, and 50g of fat, adding protein powder, peanut butter, bananas, and Greek yogurt into a shake allows me to consume at least 30g of protein before I’m even out the door in the morning. Thanks to the Ninja BlendBOSS™, I’m hitting my numbers in a way that’s healthy and enjoyable.

For almost all my life, the driving force when it came to my physical appearance was to look a certain way for other people, to fit what I thought was the beauty standard…which, to be blunt, was skinny. As a kid, with my blonde hair and blue eyes, I grew up hearing that I looked like a doll, and I spent my whole life feeling like I was supposed to look the part. That meant being a size double zero, having visible abs, and making sure my hair, makeup, and nails were always done. 

I should mention that I was a ballerina growing up, with the plan to go pro (I lost out to a career-ending injury at 16). Anyone who’s ever done ballet will know that many studios are breeding grounds for body image issues. Clad in light pink leotards and tights, dancers almost invariably hear “I can see your lunch,” (as in…they can see your stomach) more times than they hear “great work” before the age of 13.

Historically, women are trained to think that getting in shape means losing weight — and losing weight means more cardio and less food. For so long, that was my mindset, too. I used to frequent HIIT classes, which are optimized for higher heart rates and dropping pounds. But two of my trainers over the years — Taylor Rae Roman and Madison Feeney — both of whom I now consider friends, reshaped my thinking. Through them, I learned to prioritize strong over skinny.

I’ll confess: When I first set out to build muscle, I was terrified. As a dancer, creator, and public figure, I’ve always been hyper-aware of what my body looked and felt like. I thought: What if I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself? I already know that there will be times I pick myself apart — pinching parts of me, second-guessing, and worrying what other people think. Those are habits you don’t unlearn in a day.

But the motivation to do this is for myself — not for other people. And it’s not easy, but if I’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that everything worth doing is hard. Already, I’m seeing a difference. Just this morning, I noticed that my body looked a little bigger. But I also noticed something more important, more exciting: the voice inside my head that shouted out my wins drowned out the voice that whispered my fears. I picked up a 45-pound weight instead of a 40-pound one. I climbed the five flights of stairs to my apartment without feeling out of breath. I felt hungry for every meal, because, finally, I’m supporting my body with nutrients in a way that actually makes my metabolism go faster. It all feels so rewarding and encouraging, because it’s how your body is supposed to operate. To the untrained eye, these changes are too subtle to notice, but they’re a big deal to me.

You know the saying, “You have to love yourself before someone else can love you”? I really used to think it was BS. But I must say: I’m not sure it’s a coincidence that the first time I started to love myself — six-ish months into my healing journey — is also when my boyfriend and I started dating. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this is the healthiest, happiest relationship I’ve ever known. Every single thing that’s good in your life comes from loving yourself. If you take care of yourself, you can feel strong, powerful. Beautiful. Lovable.

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, you must be wondering where I’ve ended up. To answer your question: I’m still in it. Because despite society convincing us that there’s a “before” and “after” for every journey, the truth is: It’s never really over. But I have settled on my destination. After all this soul searching, this healing, I feel like it’s my duty to share this message with other women who are going through the same things. I know how many of them are 30 minutes into their excruciating spin classes, thinking, If I’m just one inch smaller, maybe someone will love me. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to outsource your identity and self-respect to the opinions of others. It sucks. So if I can help even one person change that mindset, or even pursue a goal of being stronger and healthier for themselves, and no one else…then I’d go through all the pain again, so we could find ourselves here, together, now. It would all be worth it.

Follow Sam on Instagram (@samanthafeher) or listen to her podcast (CAPS LOCK, @lifeincapslock) to learn more about her healing journey.

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